


Claustrophobia

by SweetPepperLips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Gen, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:35:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetPepperLips/pseuds/SweetPepperLips
Summary: I've been alone and depressed, trying to live in this torrid world without your warmth against my skin.





	Claustrophobia

**Author's Note:**

> Please stop reading if you're getting distressed with the triggers found in my work. Hope you enjoy it!

It was a cold night, the wind was howling through the window gap and the gentle flickering light of a candle lit one corner of the small room. The neighborhood had no power for a week now and I couldn't let the muggles know that I didn't use the same power source that they did. I waited another day, but he didn’t came. A month passed, and Harry still hadn't arrived home yet. I miss him. The smell of his cologne intoxicating our bed. The sheets feel cold and empty, I miss his warm body at my side, It brings me unparalleled anguish not having his warmness at my fingertips. Another cold and long night without his arms to calm me down.  
Each night makes me even more afraid. The ghosts of my past have become a vivid dream I face everyday, the wrongful acts I've committed, the mistakes of a stupid spoiled brat. I mirrored my father, believing in those twisted values, of preaching and practicing unequaled acts. Professor Charity Burbage's wry and misshapen body hovering over my head, lifeless, devoured by Nagini with no remorse. My former classmates, however I despised them, prowling at my bedside, faces I don’t really remember seeing in the first time. Professor Albus Dumbledore’s expression while eternally falling of the astronomy tower, jumping and heavily seated over my aching chest, inquiring huskily why have I tortured and even killed colleagues. Some nights are worse,I wake up to the feel of sweat soaked sheets, the same sheets we once shared. Cold tremors rack my body as I will the memory of the nightmares to pass. Voldemort's red bright eyes glow incandescent through the dark ceiling, the feral tongue liking the air while he approaches. The cold hands twitching and grabbing my neck, an incommodius and suffocating embrace enclosing me in a spiral of pure racking and desperate panic.  
Solace comes with the rising sun, the faces of despair won’t appear for at least another few hours, a brief moment of peace. Replaced by the anguish of loneliness, I haven't enough strength to leave the room for another couple of hours. Finding myself thirsty enough I finally get up despite the pull of tiredness.I’m unable of eating, I can’t feel hunger or pretty much anything. I don’t feel anything but anxiousness. I don’t want to leave the bed, it has the scent of your faint cologne impregnated on the sheets and I wish It would never fade. Feeling slightly stronger, I force myself to leave the house today, ouro apartment. The tiny apartment felt like a good idea back then when I couldn’t bear to live in the Malfoy Manor any longer, It had too many bad memories. The hope of having Harry’s arms protecting me once more gives me enough strength to leave the house for a few moments, I walked to another candy store to buy him chocolate frogs. I couldn't eat them.  
The almost empty fridge only houses Harry's favorite foods; a dozen treacle tarts, roasted ham sandwiches with mustard and one steak and kidney pie. All waiting for him. It's hard for me to cook anymore, with or without magic, I really miss having a house elf sometimes. But I have no desire in using magic anymore, it's allowed me to do so much evil and cause so much pain, sometimes I just want It to all end. To let my blood and magic flow free, running through the bathroom floor. I’m ashamed top think of the moment of relief I felt on the day I was hexed with the Sectumsempra curse. The pain was blinding but the relief was stronger, that maybe all the suffering could finally come to an end.Sometimes I can still envision the stream of blood flowing from my wounds to the floor. I only wanted to make my parents proud, by doing all the wrong I did in the past. For now, I reminded myself of Harry it gives me hope, always did.  
The days are beginning to blur into one and I feel more alone than ever. My only hope is far from my reach so I wait. This solitude constricting my lungs, alone in the silent room is worse than any hex. Suffocating memories appear to strangle me everywhere I go. The air leaving my lungs, blood freezing in my veins out of fear... I desperately need air. The fear is so strong that I can’t move, feeling faint I lay on the floor, wishing that it'll end soon. Tonight I think It will be better, reminiscing Harry’s eyes looking deeply into mine, his warm hands calloused by years of quidditch touching me, his fingers trembling and caressing softly through my hair. I miss him, his wild hair between my fingers when he’d sleep on my lap and his peaceful expression.  
My bad reputation is the main reason of my loneliness, I've been languishing each day a bit more. I can't bear the reflection of myself in the dust ridden mirror on the wall, my haggard tired face with unwashed hair, my body thinner and starved has become an insignificant creature, forgotten by all. The numerous littered scars on my arms, over the faded dark mark and the sliding the razor against my paper thin skin relieve me from this excruciating pain. The white limbo veil comforting me, providing me numbness and finally temporary peace. I wake up several hours later, lethargic and still numb, my sleeves are tinted in crimson red. I'm not strong enough, too coward to end this, I realise.  
The flutter of movement directs my gaze to a white owl perched on the window. Not really sure if it's not only imagination or another delirium after the usual lightheadedness it gives me enough strength to sit up properly and toss the ruined shirt into the laundry basket.I’m not capable of forgetting and forgiving all I heard as a Hogwarts student, even if it was long ago. My pride and arrogance, were just a shield, in the inside I feared my father more than anything, I was broken already. Unable to ask for help, I smiled and pretended to be fine. My aching heart tightly pressed against my narrow ribs, slowly suffocating me alongside this invisible pain.  
Thank you Harry for the hope you gave me when we were little and for the love you gave me inside this small apartment and the home we built together. I think I can wait a bit longer, since you gave me peace and strength in all the times you smiled at me. Thank you for recognising the pain hidden behind my smile. The sheets are becoming too heavy again. But deep inside I know you'll wait for me. Because when I finally see you again, the nightmares will vanish, and I'll be able to sleep once more, cuddling in your arms, at your side at Godric’s Hollow graveyard.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your time and appreciation, please tell me if you found any misspells, english is not my first language, and I'm really thankfull to Avreates to all the help!


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